Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
