Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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