then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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