Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
