Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
