4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
