Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
