On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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