Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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