Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
