aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
