Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
