His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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