If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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