I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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