you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
