woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
