i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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