My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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