She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
