Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
