I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
