It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
where are my eyebrows?
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