Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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