Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
