Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
