Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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