a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Everyone says I win the strip club
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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