I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
