and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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