I am spending my child support on dildos
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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