Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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