I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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