Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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