I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
