the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We are all done wearing pants today
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
