i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
