that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
