Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
