does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
