look no pants
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
