I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
