So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
