Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
