Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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