Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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