As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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