Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Randomize
