he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
