I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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