I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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