I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
